What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A Carrot.
I'm tired of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they are going and meet up with them later.
Hey, dad, did you get a haircut? "No, I got them all cut."
A man walked into a bar with some asphalt on his arm. He said, "Two beers please, one for me and one for the road."
I've been trying to come up with a dad joke about momentum... but I just can't seem to get it going.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
How many seconds are in a year? 12. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd... etc.
What did Michael Jackson name his denim store? Billy Jeans!
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!
My new thesaurus is terrible. In fact, it's so bad, I'd say it's terrible.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie!
Someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo trophy. How low can you go?
I was at the library and asked if they have any books on "paranoia", the librarian replied, "yes, they are right behind you"
I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
I'll tell you what often gets overlooked... garden fences.
People who don't eat gluten are really going against the grain.
A magician was driving down the street and then he turned into a driveway.
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
Why did the kid throw the clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly!
What do you do when you see a space man? Park your car, man.
Did you watch the new comic book movie? It was very graphic!
My friend said to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "no it doesn't."
What did the big flower say to the littler flower? Hi, bud!
What do you call a magician who has lost their magic? Ian.
Want to hear a joke about construction? Nah, I'm still working on it.
Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
What did the ocean say to the beach? Thanks for all the sediment.
Just watched a documentary about beavers... It was the best damn program I've ever seen.
Why did the house go to the doctor? It was having window panes.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahahaha.
How does a dyslexic poet write? Inverse.
Why are pirates called pirates? Because they arrr!
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.
What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra.
I went to the store to pick up eight cans of sprite. When I got home, I realized I'd only picked seven up
Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop? To make ends meat.
Why is it so windy inside an arena? All those fans.
I finally bought the limited-edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? 1 or 2? 1... or 2?
I was just looking at my ceiling. Not sure if it's the best ceiling in the world, but it's definitely up there.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend? She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all.
If two vegans are having an argument, is it still considered beef?
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
What kind of bagel can fly? A plain bagel.
How do hens stay fit? They always egg-cercise!
If you walk into a forest and cut down a tree, but the tree doesn't understand why you cut it down, do you think it's stumped?
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? You will see one later and one in a while.
Where do young cows eat lunch? In the calf-ateria.
Why was the robot angry? Because someone kept pressing his buttons!
Some people say that I never got over my obsession with Phil Collins. But take a look at me now.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the "P" is silent.
I adopted my dog from a blacksmith. As soon as we got home, he made a bolt for the door.
For Valentine's day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus. It's the little things that count.
My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture. I have a hunch; it might be me.
This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
Why do wizards clean their teeth three times a day? To prevent bat breath!
What do you call a fashionable lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythmn? A metro-gnome
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had loco motives.
Two dyslexics walk into a bra.
How does a scientist freshen their breath? With experi-mints!
I have the heart of a lion... and a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
Where do rabbits go after they get married? On a bunny-moon.
They tried to make a diamond shaped like a duck. It quacked under the pressure.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
A beekeeper was indicted after he confessed to years of stealing at work. They charged him with emBEEzlement
What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5000 miles.
What did the traffic light say to the car as it passed? "Don't look I'm changing!"
It was raining cats and dogs the other day. I almost stepped in a poodle.
Don't interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle. Chances are, you'll hear some crosswords.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean. Apparently, the survivors are marooned.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.
My friend told me that pepper is the best seasoning for a roast, but I took it with a grain of salt.
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.
What is the hardest part about sky diving? The ground.
What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep? A stega-snore-us.
How do you fix a broken pizza? With tomato paste.
Why was Pavlov's beard so soft? Because he conditioned it.
The biggest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from eating too much pi.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit? Because they are made to concentrate.
I considered building the patio by myself. But I didn't have the stones.
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday. I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
Two muffins were sitting in an oven, and the first looks over to the second, and says, "man, it's really hot in here". The second looks over at the first with a surprised look, and answers, "WHOA, a talking muffin!"
I was in an 80's band called the prevention. We were better than the cure.
Why did the melons plan a big wedding? Because they cantaloupe!
Shout out to my grandma, that's the only way she can hear.
I burned 2000 calories today. I left my food in the oven for too long.
When will the little snake arrive? I don't know but he won't be long...
Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a roman catholic.
Why do bees hum? Because they don't know the words.
Whiteboards are remarkable.
What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock? Look, no hands!
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer? Quacks in the pavement.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison.
I invented a new word! Plagiarism!
Where do cats write notes? Scratch Paper!
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, "This changes everything."
This furniture store keeps emailing me, all I wanted was one night stand!
Never take advice from electrons. They are always negative.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for fresh prints.
Is the pool safe for diving? "It deep ends."
Why did the m&m go to school? Because it wanted to be a Smartie!
I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
What do you call cheese by itself? Provolone.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the "P" is silent.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
What has three letters and starts with gas? A Car.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
Why did the feline fail the lie detector test? Because he be lion.
What kind of award did the dentist receive? A little plaque.
It's only a murder of crows if there's probable caws.
A ghost walks into a bar and asks for a glass of vodka but the bar tender says, "sorry we don't serve spirits"
What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.
What's the best thing about elevator jokes? They work on so many levels.
Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet? But most just have 4.
Leather is great for sneaking around because it's made of hide.
The rotation of earth really makes my day.
What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB.
I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop signing "I'm A Believer"... Then I saw her face.
I wish I could clean mirrors for a living. It's just something I can see myself doing.
Reversing the car… "Ah, this takes me back"
What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
I'd like to start a diet, but I've got too much on my plate right now.
Hold on, I have something in my shoe. "I'm pretty sure it's a foot"
How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning? He was a good conductor.
Why did the fireman wear red, white, and blue suspenders? To hold his pants up.
What is the tallest building in the world? The library – it's got the most stories!
I went to a Foo Fighters Concert once... It was Everlong.
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
How do you steal a coat? You jacket.
Why don't you find hippopotamuses hiding in trees? They're really good at it.
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
What did the piece of bread say to the knife? Butter me up.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital? The hip Doctor!
Dad, can you put the cat out? "I didn't know it was on fire!"
What's red and bad for your teeth? A Brick.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
What do I look like? A JOKE MACHINE!?
Chances are if you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
What did the shy pebble wish for? That she was a little boulder.
What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells!
Breaking news! Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
I think circles are pointless.
It's difficult to say what my wife does, she sells sea shells by the sea shore.
Why did Sweden start painting barcodes on the sides of their battleships? So they could Scandinavian.
Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is? In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.
I am so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!
In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 37,194 trees. I know because I kept a log.
When Dad drops a pea off his plate ‘oh dear I've pee'd on the table!
I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey!
I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.
Do you want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it's tearable.
You will never guess what Elsa did to the balloon. She let it go.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.
I wouldn't buy anything with Velcro. It's a total rip-off!
What did the Red light say to the Green light? Don't look at me I'm changing!
What do you call a dictionary on drugs? High definition.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says "Hey." The horse says "Sure."
What did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented? Lil Caesars
How do robots eat guacamole? With computer chips.
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.
What did one wall say to the other wall? I'll meet you at the corner!
An apple a day keeps the bullies away. If you throw it hard enough.
I saw a documentary on TV last night about how they put ships together. It was rivetting.
Sore throats are a pain in the neck!
Why should you never trust a pig with a secret? Because it's bound to squeal.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.
How do locomotives know where they're going? Lots of training
I cut my finger cutting cheese. I know it may be a cheesy story, but I feel grate now.
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks--it cost me an arm and a leg!
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam.
What do you call a duck that gets all A's? A wise quacker.
How do you get a baby alien to sleep? You rocket.
What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time.
Hostess: Do you have a preference of where you sit? Dad: Down.
Every machine in the coin factory broke down suddenly without explanation. It just doesn't make any cents.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What do you call an old snowman? Water.
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb? Let's go ride bikes!
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4-week-old son hear a dog whistle? Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.
Why was it called the dark ages? Because of all the knights.
Why are basketball players messy eaters? Because they are always dribbling.
The invention of the wheel was what got things rolling.
Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don't turn it on.
What do bees do after they are married? They go on a honeymoon.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they take everything literally.
Did you hear about the cheese who saved the world? It was Legend-dairy!
What is the best way to carve? Whittle by whittle.
Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me. It means a lot.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a skunk? A fowl smell!
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday...the rest are weekdays.
What do you do when your bunny gets wet? You get your hare dryer.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long.
How does a train eat? It goes chew, chew.
You can't run through a camp site. You can only ran, because it's past tents.
What has ears but cannot hear? A field of corn.
I made a belt out of watches once. It was a waist of time.
In the news a courtroom artist was arrested today, I'm not surprised, he always seemed sketchy.
Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they're shellfish.
What's the worst thing about ancient history class? The teachers tend to Babylon.
Velcro... What a rip-off.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
Feeling pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.
You can't trust a ladder. It will always let you down.
A cannibal is someone who is fed up with people.
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon? They will give you a piece of your mind.
Dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. I will never forget his last words. Be positive.
What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato whilst on a family walk? Ketchup.
How come the stadium got hot after the game? Because all the fans left.
What is this movie about? It is about 2 hours long.
What is bread's favorite number? Leaven.
I used to work for a soft drink can crusher. It was soda pressing.
I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed!
What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.
What is a centipede's favorite Beatle song? I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand...
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can tune a guitar, but you can't "tuna" fish!
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize? Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
Want to hear a chimney joke? Got stacks of them! First one's on the house.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Put the cat out... "I didn't realize it was on fire"
Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.
Did you hear about the circus fire It was in tents!
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
Did you hear about the campsite that got visited by Bigfoot? It got in tents.
Dad, did you get a haircut? "No, I got them all cut."
What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint!
Child: Dad, make me a sandwich. Dad: Poof! You're a sandwich.
What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree!
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
Did you hear about the two silkworms in a race? It ended in a tie.
This morning I was wondering where the sun was, but then it dawned on me.
What's E.T. short for? He's only got little legs.
I've just written a song about a tortilla. Well, it is more of a rap really.
What do you call corn that joins the army? Kernel.
Yesterday a clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester.
Guy told me today he did not know what cloning is. I told him, "that makes 2 of us."
Remember, the best angle to approach a problem from is the "try" angle.
The word queue is ironic. It's just q with a bunch of silent letters waiting in line.
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.
Why do pumpkins sit on people's porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? Put it on my bill.
Did you hear about the runner who was criticized? He just took it in stride.
I ate a clock yesterday. It was so time consuming.
What kind of music do mummy's like? Rap
Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
Don't look at the eclipse through a colander. You'll strain your eyes.
I applied to be a doorman but didn't get the job due to lack of experience. That surprised me, I thought it was an entry level position.
Americans can't switch from pounds to kilograms overnight. That would cause mass confusion.
Archaeology really is a career in ruins.
What concert costs only 45 cents? 50 cent featuring Nickelback.
Where do hamburgers go to dance? The meat-ball.
Ben & Jerry's really need to improve their operation. The only way to get there is down a rocky road.
What does a pirate pay for his corn? A buccaneer!
Man, I really love my furniture... me and my recliner go way back.
What animal is always at a game of cricket? A bat.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We had some drinks, cool guy, wants to be a web developer.
What do you call a pile of cats? A Meowtain.
I was so proud when I finished the puzzle in six months, when on the side it said three to four years.
The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Why are ghosts bad liars? Because you can see right through them!
How does Darth Vader like his toast? On the dark side.
What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.
Coffee has a tough time at my house, every morning it gets mugged.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
I'm not addicted to brake fluid. I can stop whenever I want.
The great thing about stationery shops is they're always in the same place...
I been watching a channel on TV that is strictly just about origami… of course it is paper-view.
When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
What do you call a careful wolf? Aware wolf.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.
My son is studying to be a surgeon, I just hope he makes the cut.
What biscuit does a short person like? Shortbread.
Did you hear about the submarine industry? It really took a dive...
At the boxing match, the dad got into the popcorn line and the line for hot dogs, but he wanted to stay out of the punchline.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
Why does Superman get invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop!
What do you call a boy who stopped digging holes? Douglas.
Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They're going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
Have you heard of the band 1023MB? They haven't got a gig yet.
Why couldn't the kid see the pirate movie? Because it was rated arrr!
Why are graveyards so noisy? Because of all the coffin.
What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.
Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid? Neither did he.
What's large, grey, and doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
How many bones are in the human hand? A handful of them.
I hate jokes about German sausages. They're the wurst.
Why is the ocean always blue? Because the shore never waves back.
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach? Because they might peel!
Past, present, and future walked into a bar.... It was tense.
I just got fired from a florist. Apparently, I took too many leaves.
What do you do on a remote island? Try and find the TV island it belongs to.
People saying 'boo! to their friends has risen by 85% in the last year.... That's a frightening statistic.
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!
I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.
What do you call an eagle who can play the piano? Talonted!
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure.
Last night I dreamt I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted!
What was a more important invention than the first telephone? The second one.
What do you call a beehive without the b's? An eehive.
Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.
I had a pair of racing snails. I removed their shells to make them more aerodynamic, but they became sluggish.
If you're American when you go into the bathroom, and American when you come out, what are you when you're in there? European.
Is there a hole in your shoe? "No..." Then how'd you get your foot in it?
What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory? Lack of concentration.
Why did the mushroom get invited to the party? Because he was a fungi.
Me and my mates are in a band called Duvet. We're a cover band.
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
Why did the barber win the race? He took a short cut.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Without geometry life is pointless.
"My Dog has no nose." "How does he smell?" "Awful"
R.I.P. boiled water. You will be mist.
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and asks, "do you smell fish?"
How do you know if there's an elephant under your bed? Your head hits the ceiling!
Where do sheep go to get their hair cut? The baa-baa shop.
Today, my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
A farmer had 297 cows, when he rounded them up, he found he had 300
Why did the miner get fired from his job? He took it for granite...
What do you call a crowd of chess players bragging about their wins in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah.
Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence? It was udder destruction.
Why did the belt go to prison? He held up a pair of pants!
Recent survey revealed 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy.
Did you hear the story about the cheese that saved the world? It was legend dairy.
What did the dog say to the two trees? Bark bark.
There's not really any training for garbagemen. They just pick things up as they go.
My wife told me to rub the herbs on the meat for better flavor. That's sage advice.
What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me!
What was the pumpkin's favorite sport? Squash.
I was thinking about moving to Moscow but there is no point Russian into things.
People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.
What is a tornado's favorite game to play? Twister!
I used to hate facial hair, but now it's starting to grow on me.
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse.
Why did the cowboy have a wiener dog? Somebody told him to get a long little doggy.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the "no-bell" prize.
Geology rocks, but Geography is where it's at!
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Ten-tickles!
To be Frank, I'd have to change my name.
I knew I shouldn't steal a mixer from work, but it was a whisk I was willing to take.
Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they'd be bay-gulls!
What do you call a dad that has fallen through the ice? A Popsicle.
Can February March? No, but April May.
There's a new type of broom out, it's sweeping the nation.
I'd like to give a big shout out to all the sidewalks for keeping me off the streets.
I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!
Did you hear the one about the giant pickle? He was kind of a big dill.
What's the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles. Because there's a mile between the two S's.
Mountains aren't just funny; they are hill areas.
I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
I had a rough day, and then somebody went and ripped the front and back pages from my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse.
Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.
Why did the tree go to the dentist? It needed a root canal.
What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm? A little shaken.
What's black and white and read all over? The newspaper.
Where does batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.
I saw an ad in a shop window, "Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full", I thought, "I can't turn that down".
What's Forest Gump's Facebook password? 1forest1
What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep? Matt.
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock? Because it's a little meteor.
Have you heard the rumor going around about butter? Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.
What's the worst part about being a cross-eyed teacher? They can't control their pupils.
What does a female snake use for support? A co-Bra!
I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said "Wii."
So, I heard this pun about cows, but it's kind of offensive so I won't say it. I don't want there to be any beef between us.
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back-to-back. Luckily, I was the one facing the TV.
Why does Waldo only wear stripes? Because he doesn't want to be spotted.
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups? Because they can't even.
Did you know that protons have mass? I didn't even know they were catholic.
What kind of magic do cows believe in? MOODOO.
I knew I shouldn't have eaten that seafood. Because now I'm feeling a little... Eel.
Whoever invented the knock-knock joke should get a no bell prize.
How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip, I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's ok, he woke up.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
I'm sorry. "Hi sorry, I'm dad"
How are false teeth like stars? They come out at night!
Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships? So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.
Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? Dunno, they're just a bit shady.
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens? Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say "Bach bach bach!"
Why was the picture sent to prison? It was framed.
I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthetic, they said: go ahead, knock yourself out.
Why was the broom late for the meeting? He overswept.
Ever wondered why bees hum? It's because they don't know the words.
Where does Fonzie like to go for lunch? Chick-Fil-Eyyyyyyyy!
They're making a movie about clocks. It's about time.
How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive West.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
You know that cemetery up the road? People are dying to get in there.
I started a new business making yachts in my attic this year. The sails are going through the roof.
What do you call a girl between two posts? Annette.
What do you call a troublesome Canadian high schooler? A poutine.
What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick.
What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!
I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.
Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news? Patient: Good news please. Doctor: We're naming a disease after you.
A butcher accidentally backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work that day.
My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together... I totally nailed it!
My sea sickness comes in waves.
Astronomers got tired watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours. They decided to call it a day.
What do you call a sketchy Italian neighborhood? The Spaghetto.
Why is peter pan always flying? Because he neverlands.
I used to have a job at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I took a couple of days off.
What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory.
Bad at golf? Join the club.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field? A babooooom!
A sandwich walks into a bar, the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
I decided to sell my Hoover. It was just collecting dust.
Where did you learn to make ice cream? Sunday school.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
Two guys walked into a bar, the third one ducked.
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
Which side of the chicken has more feathers? The outside.
Who did the wizard marry? His ghoul-friend
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my Trail Mix.
What kind of music do planets listen to? Nep-tunes.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
How do you make Lady Gaga cry? Poker face.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
A man is washing the car with his son. The son asks...... "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
I've just been reading a book about anti-gravity, it's impossible to put down!
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I'm sure I've never met herbivore.
To the guy who invented zero... thanks for nothing.
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you". "Sure thing" the bartender replies and asks "but what's with the long pause?" The panda holds up his hands and says, "I was born with them."
I couldn't get a reservation at the library. They were completely booked.
Where do you learn to make banana splits? At sundae school.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents.
What do you get hanging from Apple trees? Sore arms.
I just broke my guitar. It's okay, I won't fret.
Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing? Just in case you get a hole in one.
What does C.S. Lewis keep at the back of his wardrobe? Narnia business!
If you're struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas. Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.
Why don't sharks eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
A book just fell on my head. I only have my shelf to blame.
When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Don't tell secrets in corn fields. Too many ears around.
If you want a job in the moisturizer industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.
Two satellites decided to get married. The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible.
What is the leading cause of dry skin? Towels
How many lips does a flower have? Tulips.
Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with.
Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
I gave my friend 10 puns hoping that one of them would make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
The best time on a clock is 6:30, hands down.
Why did the kid cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
Why are fish easy to weigh? Because they have their own scales.
I met this girl on a dating site and, I don't know, we just clicked.
How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little horse.
What do you call your friend who stands in a hole? Phil.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw.
Why did the cookie cry? It was feeling crumby.
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out, man.
What do you call sad coffee? Despresso.
What did one nut say as he chased another nut? I'm a cashew!
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
My sister bet me $15 that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
Why don't skeletons ride roller coasters? They don't have the stomach for it.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? They had a reptile dysfunction.
It's been an emotional day, even the cake was in tiers.
I was going to learn how to juggle, but I didn't have the balls.
I've deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone. Now it's Hans free.
I tried taking some high-resolution photos of local farmland, but they all turned out a bit grainy.
Doctor you've got to help me, I'm addicted to Twitter. Doctor: I don't follow you.
What did one snowman say to the other snow man? Do you smell carrot?
Why do choirs keep buckets handy? So they can carry their tune
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What's an astronaut's favorite part of a computer? The space bar.
Yesterday I confused the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza". Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Want to hear my pizza joke? Never mind, it's too cheesy.
I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo. It was great. She's a keeper.
I really want to buy one of those supermarket checkout dividers, but the cashier keeps putting it back.
I tried to write a chemistry joke but could never get a reaction.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.
Why did the half blind man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well!
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds!
I went to the doctor today and he told me I had type A blood, but it was a type O.
How do the trees get on the internet? They log on.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
What kind of dog lives in a particle accelerator? A Fermilabrador Retriever.
I gave all my dead batteries away today, free of charge.
What kind of pants do ghosts wear? Boo jeans.
What type of music do balloons hate? Pop music!
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom!
What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.
A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.
what do you call a dog that can do magic tricks? a labracadabrador
This graveyard looks overcrowded, people must be dying to get in there.
What did the late tomato say to the early tomato? I'll ketch up
What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion? An ion!
What is a vampire's favorite fruit? A blood orange.
What is a witch's favorite subject in school? Spelling!
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An in-vest-igator!
Slept like a log last night ... woke up in the fireplace.
Why can't you use "Beef stew" as a password? Because it's not stroganoff.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don't think it's feline well.
I hate perforated lines, they're tearable.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
Why do mathematicians hate the U.S.? Because it's indivisible.
I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad.
What did the beaver say to the tree? It's been nice gnawing you.
Some people say that comedians who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out, but they don't know watt they are talking about. They're not that bright.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says, "how do you drive this thing?"
Never trust someone with graph paper. They're always plotting something.
What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones? Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? "I don't think they'll fit me."
I'll call you later. "Don't call me later, call me Dad."
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep? A bah-humbug.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
It doesn't matter how much you push the envelope. It will still be stationary.
Every night at 11:11, I make a wish that someone will come fix my broken clock.
I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.
Where do you take someone who has been injured in a Peek-a-boo accident? To the I.C.U.
What does an angry pepper do? It gets jalapeño face.
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other one off.
Why can't bicycles stand on their own? They are two tired.
How can you tell a vampire has a cold? They start coffin.
Why was ten scared of seven? Because seven ate nine.
Why do bears have hairy coats? Fur protection.
I got a reversible jacket for Christmas. I can't wait to see how it turns out.
What did the hat say to the scarf? You can hang around. I'll just go on ahead.
Dad, I'm cold. "Go stand in the corner, I hear it's 90 degrees."
A doll was recently found dead in a rice paddy. It's the only known instance of a nick knack paddy whack.
A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I used to work for an origami company, but they folded.
Why can't eggs have love? They will break up too soon.
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.
Doctor, I've broken my arm in several places. "Well don't go to those places."
I'm practicing for a bug-eating contest and I've got butterflies in my stomach.
Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed? Because he has low elf esteem.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern? You use a pumpkin patch.
What does an annoying pepper do? It gets jalapeño face.
Why did the man run around his bed? Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad I had to take his bike away.
What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe? Roberto.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu: You get what you deserve.
What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign Language
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that's the last thing I need.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Where do bees go to the bathroom? The BP station.
I fear for the calendar, its days are numbered.
What do you call two barracuda fish? A Pairacuda!
What did the scarf say to the hat? You go on ahead, I am going to hang around a bit longer.
Why did the teddy bear say "no" to dessert? Because she was stuffed.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose? Hare spray.
Why does it take longer to get from 1st to 2nd base, than it does to get from 2nd to 3rd base? Because there's a Shortstop in between!
Where does Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.
I'll tell you something about German sausages, they're the wurst.
Why are mummies scared of vacation? They're afraid to unwind.
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!'
Why is no one friends with Dracula? Because he's a pain in the neck.
Somebody stole my Microsoft Office and they're going to pay; you have my Word.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So, I packed up my stuff and right!
Don't buy flowers at a monastery. Because only you can prevent florist friars.
What did the spaghetti say to the other spaghetti? "Pasta la vista, baby!"
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?" "Pop" goes the weasel.
Why didn't the number 4 get into the nightclub? Because he is 2 square.
Camping is intense.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
My wife is on a tropical food diet. It's enough to make a mango crazy.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The p is silent.
What do computers and air conditioners have in common? They both become useless when you open windows.
Nurse: Doctor, there's a patient that says he's invisible. Doctor: Well, tell him I can't see him right now!
How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? A Brazilian.
I got hit in the head by a soda can, but it didn't hurt that much. It was a soft drink.
Why did the can-crusher quit his job? Because it was soda-pressing.
What do vegetarian zombies eat? Grrrrrainnnnnssss.
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
A Skeleton walked into a bar he said, I need a beer and a mop.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.
What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Because it's too far to walk.
Why is there always a gate around cemeteries? Because people are always dying to get in.
I can't tell if I like this blender. It keeps giving me mixed results.
A quick shoutout to all of the sidewalks out there... Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.
What's the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.
What do you call a group of disorganized cats? A cat-tastrophe.
I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do not read it!
What did the calculator say to the student? You can count on me.
What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape? BREATH!!
Why did the chicken get a penalty? For fowl play.
Well... That's a deep subject.
What do birds give out on Halloween? Tweets.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!
What time is it? I don't know... it keeps changing.
Why do pirates not know the alphabet? They always get stuck at "C".
What do you call a cow on a trampoline? A milk shake!
What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.
I am terrified of elevators. I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.
I couldn't figure out how the seat belt worked. Then it just clicked.
They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian – they're not laughing now.
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
What do you call a droid that takes the long way around? R2 detour.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts.
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!
Just read a few facts about frogs. They were ribbiting.
When do doctors get angry? When they run out of patients.
Have you heard about corduroy pillows? They're making headlines!
I'm reading a book on the history of glue – can't put it down.
My dentist is the best, he even has a little plaque!
Some people eat light bulbs. They say it's a nice light snack.
I'm reading a book on the history of glue. I just can't seem to put it down.
If at first you don't succeed, sky diving is not for you!
A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips. The barman replies "sorry mate, we only do plain"
Honey, I'm pregnant! I'll book an appointment with the baby doctor right away. "That's great sweetie but I'd be a lot more comfortable going to an adult doctor."
How do you make a waterbed bouncier? You use Spring Water.
So, a duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "Give me some chap-stick... and put it on my bill."
If prisoners could take their own mug shots, they'd be called cellfies.
I was going to get a brain transplant, but I changed my mind.
Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools!
I dropped a pear in my car this morning. You should drop another one, then you would have a pair.
Which is the fastest growing city in the world? Dublin'
The other day I was listening to a song about superglue, it's been stuck in my head ever since.
I broke my finger at work today, on the other hand I'm completely fine.
Dad, I'm hungry. "Hello, Hungry. I'm Dad."
The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
I'm only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don't know why.
Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E? Because he had a vowel movement.
Did you hear about the bread factory burning down? They say the business is toast.
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? The food is great, but there's just no atmosphere.
Finally realized why my plant sits around doing nothing all day... He loves his pot.
I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there.
Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.
What did the officer molecule say to the suspect molecule? I've got my ion you.
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?
Our wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.
Dad, I'm hungry. "Hello, Hungry. I'm Dad".
To the person who stole my anti-depressant pills: I hope you're happy now.
Why is the new Kindle screen textured to look like paper? So you feel write at home.
Writing with a broken pencil is pointless.
Why did the opera singer go sailing? They wanted to hit the high Cs.
What did the Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer? Cool Ranch!
Why didn't the orange win the race? It ran out of juice.
I got an A on my origami assignment when I turned my paper into my teacher.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says... I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.
Why did the burglar hang his mugshot on the wall? To prove that he was framed!
How does a French skeleton say hello? Bone-jour.
Have you heard about the film "Constipation"? You probably haven't because it's not out yet.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.
Where did Captain Hook get his hook? From a second hand store.
Why do ducks make great detectives? They always quack the case.
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience. The second time let me down.
I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.